Free or not free?

Tonight I am writing about something that’s been on my mind for almost a week now. I can’t let go of it, so I am writing about this trying to make peace with it…

About a week ago somebody I know made a post on Facebook about seeing a woman trying to commit suicide. Close to our home is a big bridge and she saw this woman who already had one leg over the bridge. She was about to jump when a police officer stopped her and saved her life. The woman writing the post was very shaken by this incident and reminded people to be be nice to each other since you never know what somebody else is going through. And she thanked police officers who risk their lives daily to save other peoples’ lives.

About twenty-five comments followed, all pretty much saying the same … how awful this must have been to witness and thank god that this woman was saved and well wishes to her…

When I read this post, I immediately felt a shortness of breath and my chest tightened up. I felt so much empathy for this woman. I was sad for her that she did not get what she wanted and now had to live up to collect enough courage to try it again. If she was sure about what she was doing, why didn’t they let her?

I so much believe in everybody’s freedom to choose about ones life and therefore also ones death.

Somehow this really hits home for me and I couldn’t shake these thoughts off and they keep coming up every day since this happened.

But looking at all the comments I feel strange about my thoughts?! Am I the only person thinking totally different than others? Are they all conditioned the same way? Are people not saying the truth? There must be people out there thinking differently! Why can’t I let go of this?

Memories came up … and lots of feelings of stuckness, sadness and loneliness. When I was about fourteen years old, I was in a dark place and had thoughts about ending my life. I didn’t think about jumping from a bridge, but I thought about cutting my arms open … quietly and alone in my bedroom. I didn’t try. I wasn’t brave enough. I couldn’t bring up the courage to actually get the knife from the kitchen. I had heard how to do it … along the veins, not perpendicular… But I was concerned about my brother. I was sure that my mom wouldn’t be able to handle loosing me and that would mean no good for my little brother. A voice inside me stopped me and told me that I was strong enough to live to be there for him.

I have heard from other people who have been through similar situations. They listened to that voice that stopped them from committing suicide. And it’s good that they listened to this inner voice if they now live a fulfilled life. But for me it’s also okay when people go through with their wish and leave this world listening to their inner voices, too.

I really want to honor everybody’s choices and trust that everybody knows what’s best for themselves. And I wish everybody the courage to stand up for their wishes and desires and needs in this life and beyond.

I think about this woman daily. I wish her the best and hope that either she gets the help that she needs to enjoy life again, or that her next attempt to end her life works out for her without anybody interrupting her wish of setting her soul free and ending her life at this time in this body on this planet.

With a lot of gratitude for my life and freedom and much love,

aNNika

“How is it going? How am I?”

I hear these questions a lot these days: ‘How are you doing with Noah at home now? Is home-schooling working for you?’

My answer: ‘Yes, we are doing great!’ For more explanations usually is no time, but honestly it’s only half of the truth. Overall, we are doing well. I would never want to go back. I am very sure that we did the right decision in taking Noah out of the public school system.

And with going from home-schooling over unschooling to radical unschooling in only 3 months, we are now on a path that feels incredibly right to me.  But we are still not there!

Totally changing our lifestyle takes time…it’s like learning a new language and getting to know everybody in our family all over again…

The connections change and get deeper. More passion occurs. More love and empathy are built…and there is so much more freedom! I love how we can live freely and see what comes our way on days with no appointments. It’s like riding a big wave and seeing where it takes us…and learning so much on the way about the world and ourselves…

The other day we went to a book store for a storytime. Afterwards we sat at a café where the boys climbed a tree and played soccer outside on the terrace until Niki came up with the idea, that he wanted to go to the zoo… So we went!

We had no stroller with us or anything we usually pack for a zoo adventure and came up with the idea that we would make it a short visit by only looking at everybody’s 3 most favorite animals. But at the end we stayed for almost 4 hours and had such a great relaxed and fun filled time.

It seems that everybody gets wishes met and compromises are made to make other’s wishes come true. There is so much gratitude that we can experience days like this already and so much anticipation and hope that most days of our life will turn out to be this way. So flowy and relaxed.

But we are not there yet. I would say 1-2 days a weeks might be almost perfect, but the other days I have doubts. I beat myself up for not being perfect. I have fears. I feel alone. I feel vulnerable. I feel unconfident, unsure, shy, unsupported, judged and overwhelmed…just not enough.

There are days that the boys just want to hang out and watch TV all day… I have gotten pretty good at just letting them take control over the remote… and when I hear them talking to each other, it seems like they are not just watching, but also communicating about the show’s topics. And Noah actually learns a lot about animals from the Kratt bothers and Zooboomafoo, …

Sometimes there comes a point when they have just watched enough and go on playing something…or want to spend time with me.

But some days, I ask them to please turn off the TV and they do, but whatever they do after, they get into huge fights or just throw themselves on the ground and scream and whine for things that are unrealistic.

These tantrums totally overwhelm me and I loose hope and trust that they are able to control their TV time…I feel like I need to set limits and control them…which I don’t want to do.

There are days that Noah can’t figure out how to play with other children and doesn’t understand when to stop teasing them… I end up leaving playdates and holding on to him which I do regret immediately, because I am missusing my strength over him, something that I don’t want him to do with smaller children. But I don’t know what else to do. I feel ashamed and embarrassed by his behavior, I’m again loosing trust in him which I shouldn’t.

There are just moments when I feel like I have to explain myself, because I feel judged by people for my decisions and then I can’t find the right words and I so wish to be an advocate for this great partner paradigm of radical unschooling, but I am just not there yet.

I need to be honest about what’s going on. I can totally explain why we are on this path and what my hopes are for my children and for our family’s future, but we are not there yet. Other than some small success stories and signs that we are on the right path, I can only tell you that it is incredibly hard to go a different route and not follow the mainstream parenting/schooling system.

Just being the one who swims against the stream, puts much attention on me sometimes, that I need to get comfortable with. I am an introvert that never liked to stand in the spotlight. I’ve never liked to stand in front of a group of adults…I feel safe under friends and in my little bubble that I create for myself.

But I do love children and love to see them free and confident and I will do anything to make this true for my children and maybe someday I can make an impact on other children too ❤️

This drives me and I am so excited that we are on this path now and I tust that we will live a happy life as a family and that my children will go on living the life of their dreams with confidence and freedom

With much gratitude and honesty,

aNNika