Free or not free?

Tonight I am writing about something that’s been on my mind for almost a week now. I can’t let go of it, so I am writing about this trying to make peace with it…

About a week ago somebody I know made a post on Facebook about seeing a woman trying to commit suicide. Close to our home is a big bridge and she saw this woman who already had one leg over the bridge. She was about to jump when a police officer stopped her and saved her life. The woman writing the post was very shaken by this incident and reminded people to be be nice to each other since you never know what somebody else is going through. And she thanked police officers who risk their lives daily to save other peoples’ lives.

About twenty-five comments followed, all pretty much saying the same … how awful this must have been to witness and thank god that this woman was saved and well wishes to her…

When I read this post, I immediately felt a shortness of breath and my chest tightened up. I felt so much empathy for this woman. I was sad for her that she did not get what she wanted and now had to live up to collect enough courage to try it again. If she was sure about what she was doing, why didn’t they let her?

I so much believe in everybody’s freedom to choose about ones life and therefore also ones death.

Somehow this really hits home for me and I couldn’t shake these thoughts off and they keep coming up every day since this happened.

But looking at all the comments I feel strange about my thoughts?! Am I the only person thinking totally different than others? Are they all conditioned the same way? Are people not saying the truth? There must be people out there thinking differently! Why can’t I let go of this?

Memories came up … and lots of feelings of stuckness, sadness and loneliness. When I was about fourteen years old, I was in a dark place and had thoughts about ending my life. I didn’t think about jumping from a bridge, but I thought about cutting my arms open … quietly and alone in my bedroom. I didn’t try. I wasn’t brave enough. I couldn’t bring up the courage to actually get the knife from the kitchen. I had heard how to do it … along the veins, not perpendicular… But I was concerned about my brother. I was sure that my mom wouldn’t be able to handle loosing me and that would mean no good for my little brother. A voice inside me stopped me and told me that I was strong enough to live to be there for him.

I have heard from other people who have been through similar situations. They listened to that voice that stopped them from committing suicide. And it’s good that they listened to this inner voice if they now live a fulfilled life. But for me it’s also okay when people go through with their wish and leave this world listening to their inner voices, too.

I really want to honor everybody’s choices and trust that everybody knows what’s best for themselves. And I wish everybody the courage to stand up for their wishes and desires and needs in this life and beyond.

I think about this woman daily. I wish her the best and hope that either she gets the help that she needs to enjoy life again, or that her next attempt to end her life works out for her without anybody interrupting her wish of setting her soul free and ending her life at this time in this body on this planet.

With a lot of gratitude for my life and freedom and much love,

aNNika

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